On November 17 we welcomed Megan Amos to the She Unites stage for an evening of talking all things boundaries and the power of saying no. Megan is LMHC and owner of Compass Counseling in Dubuque. And oh momma did she deliver a killer presentation with a wonderfully vulnerable Q and A to round out our 2021 programming. Follow along with her presentation slides below and buckle up for the knowledge you know you need to power yourself through the holiday season.

What are Boundaries?

Megan put this pretty simply. Boundaries are the clear limits that separate you from others. They are what allow you to have healthy meaningful relationships. Unfortunately, especially as women, we allow ourselves to say yes to everything and set no boundaries with those around us because we feel it is what we must do. Our lack of boundaries often begins from childhood conditioning, the societal expectation that saying yes is the equivalent of being nice, and we have developed defense mechanisms as a response.

Types of Boundaries

Loose Boundaries: People pleasing, lacks the ability to say no, overshares, and is a chronic fixer. Those who set these types of boundaries often have their self-worth defined by the opinion of others.

Rigid Boundaries: Chronic fear of rejection and extremely private. Those who have rigid boundaries often have a difficult time asking for help and in return have very few close or intimate relationships.

Flexible Boundaries: This is the ideal balance of boundaries. Flexible boundaries allow for comfortable communication, regulating of emotions, awareness of personal beliefs and opinions. But most importantly, those who have these boundaries are able to honor these ideas while still holding space for others and are able to say no.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are not ultimatums or a way to have power and control over others. But they are for you. They are for you and only you. You get to set the personal limit and maintain these boundaries regardless of how others respond or react. So how do you do it?

Define
Communicate
Maintain

Sounds simple enough right? By setting boundaries, you tell others what is tolerable, safe, and allowed.

“Choose discomfort over resentment.” - Brene Brown

This is a big point Megan hit on. How do you expect to ever have boundaries if you don’t stand up for them? This is that whole communicate and maintaining piece of setting boundaries. Trying to avoid discomfort will ultimately lead us to allow others to do things that we are not ok with. In return, we end up resentful, hateful, and angry. Practice the pause and ask yourself the tough questions. Do I feel safe in this situation? Do I have the time or energy to deal with this? Do I even want to say yes? Give yourself the ability to say non to the things that don’t serve you. If you don’t want to attend, participate, have the energy, have time in the schedule, or feel safe doing something, say no. It’s not worth living in resentment later on.

How to Say No

Sometimes it is easier said than done. But Megan outlined a few clear tips to saying no to the things that don’t serve you.

Be Direct
Be Sincere
Choose a medium that is comfortable and appropriate. This could be the written word, face-to-face conversation, a FaceTime, or all of the above. Not every conversation needs to be in person.
Provide an alternative if you want to
Keep It Simple

Practice saying no. Yes, it really does get easier with practice. And ditch the justifications you make to saying yes. If you don’t want to do something, that is more than enough of a reason to say no. Saying no gives your ‘yes’ more value. Saying no frees up your time for the things you actually want to do. Saying no minimizes your anger and resentment. Saying no is empowering.

Boundaries Create Choice

When boundaries are in place, we are given the opportunity to choose when, how and with whom we share and direct our emotional energy. Others may be upset when their expectations for you or the relationship are not met. And that is perfectly ok.

The Power of No Recap