Forgiveness
Forgiveness. An eleven-letter word, yet it holds infinite meaning.
We’ve all heard about why forgiving others is important. At some point, you’ve probably been given the cliche (and useful) advice, “forgiveness is not saying what the other person did is okay, it’s setting yourself free”. While learning to forgive others is a noble cause that should not be negated, we have dismissed a vital segment of forgiveness…learning to forgive ourselves.
What does this mean? It does not mean we relinquish all responsibility for how our actions affect other people. It does mean that once we have recognized how our actions have impacted others, we’ve taken responsibility for it, and made amends in whatever way is best for the situation and parties involved, we then stop beating ourselves up about it. We move on and do better.
It can also mean forgiving ourselves for making poor choices in the past that have hurt us in the long run, so we can make room in our lives to make more loving choices for ourselves moving forward.
One of the most prominent examples of this, in my own life, was a part of growing up a child of divorce. This meant that most life decisions that I made ended up hurting one of my parents and/or one of my families. I would love to say that because of this I had to learn to forgive myself, make peace with doing what is best for myself despite it possibly hurting others, and forgive myself for said hurt unintentionally caused early on in life. But, that is not the case. It is only recently that I have been able to finally make that peace and forgive myself for unintentionally hurting those I love because I was forced in the middle of a war where there was no outcome to which everyone wins. I had to accept that I was the villain at some point in a lot of people’s stories, no matter how badly I wanted to not be, for the sake of making the best choices for me. I understand the difficult position that version of Faith was in, I hold compassion for her, and I understand her and why she made the choices she did. I forgive her.
There are other ways we need to forgive ourselves too.
We need to work on forgiving the past versions of ourselves for developing habits that might be hurting us, or that we are needing to heal from, now. In my own life, I have had to forgive myself for being so unkind to my body and going through cycles of heavy restriction and then heavy binging of food, all in the name of wanting to be ‘beautiful’ by someone else’s constantly moving measuring stick. I forgive that version of Faith who continued those unhealthy behaviors because she was afraid that, at her core, she wasn’t ever going to be beautiful enough to love. Because I forgave myself and started to work on the real issue in therapy, I made room to be able to have a healthy relationship with my body and food. I respect my body when I want chocolate and I respect it when I crave a salad. I lift weights as a workout sometimes, and other days my body just wants to go for a walk. And, I know I am worthy of love no matter what my size.
I understand that doing all of this — forgiving yourself, healing, and choosing different — is much easier said than done.
Here’s the deal…we are human. We will inevitably make mistakes, no matter how many pros and cons lists we make or how many friends we discuss our decisions with, etc. We have to accept that we will sometimes be the villain in other people’s stories, sometimes we will be the villains in our own stories, and that’s okay because that’s life. This is not me inviting everyone to do whatever they want no matter who it hurts. What I’m trying to convey is that even with the best of intentions we can still end up hurting people and we have to make peace with that first before we can start to forgive ourselves.
Even with the best of intentions, we can still end up hurting ourselves.
Once we’ve accepted this uncomfortable reality that we will not ever be perfect in this lifetime and that we too cause others (or ourselves) pain (whether intentionally or unintentionally), we can move on to some practical steps to offering forgiveness to ourselves.
Steps To Forgiving Oneself
Make amends in whatever way is best for the situation and all parties involved.
This can look like calling that friend up and apologizing for the unfair, low blow you gave during a heated argument and not making excuses. It can look like writing an apology letter to an ex and then burning it because sending it would open a door that is best not opened. It can look like volunteering at the local boys and girls’ club to make up for the trouble you caused as a kid. There are many different ways you can make amends that are healthy, safe, and best for all parties involved. It’s important that you take the time to be intentional in how this happens and the way this looks.
Remember that you mulling over this, and spiraling, does not change what happened. Try to accept that you made a decision and there is nothing you can do now.
Easier said than done. A tip: if you catch yourself in a guilt or shame or ‘what if’ spiral, try to pause, and say to yourself, “I cannot change it now. I am moving on. I am not that decision.” Repeat it as many times as you need to until you believe it.
Recognize the context around which you made the specific decision. Give the version of you who made that decision some grace like you would a loved one.
Sometimes when we make the best decision for ourselves — the necessary decision — it can cause others pain. Obviously, most of us would prefer to be able to make the right decision for ourselves without it affecting others, especially negatively. But, that is not the reality of the world, and we are responsible only for ourselves and our happiness at the end of the day. Given this context, hopefully, you are able to objectively see why you should not be beating yourself up for taking care of yourself. After all, it is ultimately your only and most important job.
Maybe that’s not the type of decision you made. Maybe you said something in anger that hurt someone or something that, in general, did not help you or anyone involved. Even then, recognize that you hadn’t had much sleep, work sucked that day, and you were starving, or etc.. Again, this doesn’t excuse it, but it does allow you to create understanding for yourself and hopefully pave the way for forgiveness and letting go.
A final way to create context and understanding for yourself is to pretend you are a friend that is uninvolved in the situation and your friend comes to you and told you about this whole thing…would you tell them they are a sh*tty person who doesn’t deserve love and joy or anything good anymore or forgiveness? No. You would be honest about the reality of all that happened and remind that friend that they are still lovable, deserving of joy, all the good things, and that everyone makes mistakes. If this would be true for your imaginary friend, why would it not be true for you?
Journal and/or meditate on what you learned from this experience.
After all, you can’t change it, so let’s try to learn from it. For example, now you might understand the importance of boundaries or walking away when you get angry and returning to the conversation when in a better headspace, etc.
Journal and/or meditate on what you will do when you encounter a similar situation in the future.
This can look like starting to pack a snack for your commute home so you don’t burst out in hanger at whoever is there whenever you arrive because you haven’t eaten since 10:30 AM. It can look like the conscious choice to stay single for a while because you need to work on some things before getting into another relationship. It can mean being more open with your friends about what you want to do, instead of just doing what everyone else wants, so you don’t build up resentments and it spirals into more.
Move on.
Understand that you have done all you can do by taking responsibility and making amends in your own way, you’ve reflected and learned from this experience, and you cannot do anything to change it. Remember you only have control of your actions you have yet to take. You’ve done all a human can do to make things right. It’s time to forgive yourself. It’s time to let go and move on. For me, the hardest part of this is the guilt and shame spirals after. What helps me, and what might help you, if you encounter one of these is to pause and repeat this to yourself:
“I cannot change what has happened. I understand why the me who made that decision did so, and I hold compassion and forgiveness for her. She and I are not defined by our mistakes. Humans make mistakes, and they are still lovable and worthy of forgiveness. I am human. I am worthy of love and forgiveness. We are not defined by our mistakes, but how we handle them after, and I am doing my best. My best is enough.”
Forgiving ourselves is not easy. It’s not talked about enough. But getting to the place where we can finally have peace from the heavyweights we’ve been putting on ourselves is fully worth the journey of learning.
Faith Surface
Faith Surface is an undergraduate student at the University of Iowa studying Ethics and Public Policy with a certificate in Resilience and Trauma-Informed Perspectives. She is passionate about fighting food insecurity and is Acting Associate Director of the University of Iowa’s Food Pantry. Faith also strives to get involved with and better her community and accomplishes this in her role as an Intern at Neighbor’s of Iowa City.