Dismantling Domestic Violence
Domestic violence, also referred to as intimate partner or interpersonal violence, is defined as a pattern of coercive and violent behavior used by one intimate partner against another to establish or maintain power and control. Domestic violence involves multiple forms of social restriction & derogation and at its core, it deprives a person of social resources and autonomy in a context of inequality and isolation.
Most of us assume that dismantling violence against women resides with anti-violence movements or public policies geared toward supporting organizations that specifically address the issue of ending violence. But what if I told you that the pathway to escaping violence begins with the love and empathy of a community?
Before we can really talk about how community action or acts of citizenship can take part in eradicating violence, we have to first consider how abusers carefully complicate red flag recognition by disguising the abuse as love. While disagreements can be a common occurrence in relationships, threats, or actions that crush the other person's sense of self and tactics that leverage underlying fears or sense of safety are signs of abuse. Abusers portray outbursts and controlling behavior as circumstantial responses to her wrongdoing in a situation, rather than a reach for control. By the time she is fully aware of how her autonomy and safety are compromised, many survivors feel so ashamed of their situation, they choose to conceal what they're going through. Survivors who take the steps to disclose what is happening are encouraged to use their voice, seek help and find a way out but are often blamed for the abuse itself or the failed recognition of how they became entrapped. Worse yet, we often abandon those who don’t heed our counsel on how to go about making life-altering decisions for herself and potentially her children. This only affirms the abuser’s narrative, that she is incapable and to blame for the unsafe situation she finds herself in today.
In order to dismantle the systems that enable all forms of violence wherever they occur, we need to acknowledge the connective thread in how shame promotes silence and silence gives power to the abuser’s ability to perpetuate violence by increasing the privatization of suffering.
We must recognize that transformational change will only occur when we honor and empower her to make choices that are best for her and not attempt to control her movements and decisions. She lacks autonomy, not intelligence.
We need to stop asking why she didn’t leave and instead ask why she couldn’t safely escape.
Anti-violence in our community starts with you and me, actively listening, understanding, and extending unwavering support.
